Currently The Three Musketeers (Signet Classics) By Alexandre Dumas père see related

Recovery Mode

I recently went to the hospital to have a very tiny surgery on a very tiny part of my body.  I had this bone spur that was poking up through the nail bed on my big toe.  Very troublesome for such a small thing.  So, the doctor had to saw that thing out of there.  I've never had surgery before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  This is how my day went:

1.  Arrive at hospital 2 hours before kick-off, er, surgery time.

2. Put on hospital gown, hospital booties.  Answer a bunch of questions for the nurses.  Attempt to pee in cup.

3. Get in bed.  Allow nurse to attach IV.  Allow someone else to take blood.  Stare at ceiling. 

4.  Wheeled into holding room.  Stare at fellow surgery patients.  Hope that someone finds a nail clipper for that one guy.  Tell mom to have fun while I'm gone.  Wheeled into surgery room.

5.  Transfer to operating table.  Covered in warm blankets. Strapped down.  Monitors attached to chest.  Arms strapped to outstretched arm tables.  Unconsciousness.

6. Consciousness returns.  Watch nurses move back and forth.  Ask for pain meds.

7.  Wheeled back to original hospital room.  Given water.  Attempt to pee.  Exit of hospital not granted without urine.  More water. Waiting.  More water. Waiting.  Two cans of coke.  Then....success!

8.  Drive home.  Traffic is stop and go.  Nausea.  Mom hands me a plastic bag.  Two cans of coke go from my stomach and into the bag.  Yeah.  Eww.

And so, now a few days later, I am still in recovery mode.  The doctor told me to keep it elevated, so I did. And I haven't had any pain, so that is awesome.  But I have this huge bandage around my whole foot.  I can walk around with it, but I have to walk without putting pressure on my toe.  It makes me appreciate toes.  They are surprisingly useful in the act of walking.  Without them, it's just not the same. 

To pass the time, I have been reading The Three Musketeers.  I have started this book four or five times before.  This time, I am quite determined to finish.

A Duel

This morning I was standing at my dresser, trying to decide what to wear when I heard a knocking at the wall to my right.  This is an exterior wall, so I had a sinking feeling that our house was being attacked by a woodpecker…..again. 

Woodpecker (peck-peck)

Alicia (groans…..bangs fist against the wall twice)

Woodpecker (in response: peck-peck)

Alicia (curious:  knock-knock….knock)

Woodpecker (peck-peck…..peck)

Mom:  Alicia, is that you knocking?

Alicia:  Yes, there’s a woodpecker.  And he seems to be echoing my knocking.  (knock, knockety-knock-knock….knock-knock)  Try that, sucka!

Woodpecker: ……..

Mom (Laughs)

The end.

Covert Operation

So, for about three years now we have been trying to get my dad to go to the doctor.  He refuses.  He gets angry if we even talk about it.  We’ve tried making deals with him, issuing ultimatums, making threats.  Nothing really motivated him to go.  So, finally, my sister in law, my brother and I decided it was time to enact the plan where we would lie to him.  I made a doctor appointment for him for today at 3 pm.  My brother made up some story about needing my dad to drive him home from a doctor appointment.  Well, my dad went with my brother to the doctor’s office and my brother started filling out the paperwork.  But then he needed my dad’s insurance card.  So he asked my dad for the card and my dad realized what was going on.  He grabbed my brother’s truck keys and ran out of the office, jumped into the truck and drove away, leaving my brother behind.  I think that was when my dad called Joy.  Usually Joy is the picture of politeness, but at that point, she was pissed.  She yelled at him, calling him a hypocrite, and he hung up on her. 

So, this did not go as we had hoped.  Not sure what we’re going to try next, but I guess it will need a little bit more elaborate planning. 

Hello, pee-ness!

I don’t mean to be a pervert, but I found out an animal fact today that blew my mind.  My friend Bridget spent the last six weeks with her relations in Australia.  She told me that she brought me a present, but there were a couple options.  One was a little glass koala with a baby koala riding on its back.  The other was the same, a glass creature, but heck if I could put a name to it.  It was all spiny like a porcupine but had a long pointy snout.  “Uh….what is this?”  I said.

“Oh, that’s an echidna.  Found exclusively in Australia, I think,” she said.  “It’s a marsupial. Or…a monotreme.  No, I think it’s a monotreme, like a platypus.”  She decided to look it up on wikipedia to be sure.  We discovered that it was indeed a monotreme, being warm blooded and laying eggs.  But she went on reading the wikipedia article, “The males have a four-headed penis.”

“Say what?”

“Yeah, apparently, two heads become erect during mating and two shut down.  Then during the next time, the other two heads are used.  So…they switch them out.  But this is wikipedia, so that could be just totally made up.”

I was a cross between totally amused and totally horrified.  Could this really be true?  I was imagining the poor females having all that junk coming at them.  yikes.

Anywho, I googled up a storm and it seems to be true.  If you would like to find out more, I am going to attach the website I found.  Enjoy.

http://news.softpedia.com/news/Why-Do-Echidnas-Have-Four-Headed-Penises-69334.shtml

"A lot of us are insecure about our bodies.  Women look like beautiful, soft, gorgeous angels when they're naked.  We look like hairy ogres or little scrawny trolls."  --  Jason Mraz, on things that women should know about men

Well put, Mr. Mraz.  Well put.